Okay - so your story is pretty much in place now - and it has the potential to 'be emotional'. In terms of style, I think it's pretty obvious that it's in the Pixar/Disney tradition. At least, it has that feel. I think you're missing another character (I know, I know - that's a total of 5), but unless you show us the groom-to-be, the Princess's plight and unhappiness will not be clearly signposted. This also means that you can use the physique of the groom to create visual clues when compared with the cuter physique of the young chef. Also - about your chef, he just seems to young to to be 'The' chef. It feels as if he'd be an assistant or sous chef - basically an underdog in his world, as well as in the world of the monarchy under whom he toils.
In terms of setting up Act 1 - I think you need to start, for instance, on an invite to the royal wedding, in which the set up is actually expressed very quickly; the invite, or similar could say something like 'King X and Queen Cruella invite you to the wedding of Princess Lovely to the Duke Shithead of Idiotsville. A Grand Banquet will be served"... cut to your opening scene... The Invite could be accompanied by a blast of trumpets. Essentially, what I'm saying is, you need to get all that set-up into the opening moments of your Act 1, or your audience will struggle to catch on.
In terms of your essay - all looks fine - just, in style terms look to see if you can excise unnecessary words - for example, when you write "Neil Potts' essay named ..." get rid of the 'named' - cut to the chase. Students often litter their essays with this kind of thing, and you'll be amazed how much you can take out and not change a single thing about the meaning - except improve the reading experience.
Interim Online Review 15/02/2011
ReplyDeleteHey Molly,
Okay - so your story is pretty much in place now - and it has the potential to 'be emotional'. In terms of style, I think it's pretty obvious that it's in the Pixar/Disney tradition. At least, it has that feel. I think you're missing another character (I know, I know - that's a total of 5), but unless you show us the groom-to-be, the Princess's plight and unhappiness will not be clearly signposted. This also means that you can use the physique of the groom to create visual clues when compared with the cuter physique of the young chef. Also - about your chef, he just seems to young to to be 'The' chef. It feels as if he'd be an assistant or sous chef - basically an underdog in his world, as well as in the world of the monarchy under whom he toils.
In terms of setting up Act 1 - I think you need to start, for instance, on an invite to the royal wedding, in which the set up is actually expressed very quickly; the invite, or similar could say something like 'King X and Queen Cruella invite you to the wedding of Princess Lovely to the Duke Shithead of Idiotsville. A Grand Banquet will be served"... cut to your opening scene... The Invite could be accompanied by a blast of trumpets. Essentially, what I'm saying is, you need to get all that set-up into the opening moments of your Act 1, or your audience will struggle to catch on.
In terms of your essay - all looks fine - just, in style terms look to see if you can excise unnecessary words - for example, when you write "Neil Potts' essay named ..." get rid of the 'named' - cut to the chase. Students often litter their essays with this kind of thing, and you'll be amazed how much you can take out and not change a single thing about the meaning - except improve the reading experience.